Nixon's Lament
“GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS.GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS.GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS.” - Former US President Richard Nixon
Why I am Proud That My Spirit Animal is a Japanese Character Played by Mickey Rooney
The Japanese Mickey Rooney from ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’— the 1961 classic starring Audrey Hepburn— is a unique testament to American cinema— in that solely it is an icon of reference. Not many people remember the whole movie, and that’s fine. What I like about him, the Japanese character played by Mickey Rooney, is that he’s memorable. I don’t remember a thing about the film, apart from there being some kind of romance and struggle for independence and selfhood by a beautiful young waif who ends her personal journey at a famous store for diamonds. I like Micky Rooney’s stuff— and while his prosthetic teeth shone brighter than the diamonds at Tiffanys, they didn’t steal the show. Ms. Hepburn still had her iconic grace and poise highlighted in beautifully and simply staged shots. The Japanese Mickey Rooney was a rambunctious counter to the Anglo-American narrative that was a coming of age tale for a pretty young woman. I remember him. That’s important. It’s important to me to be remembered— so that’s why Mickey Rourke’s Japanese character Mr. Yunioshi in the 1961 classic American film ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ is my spirit animal. Thank you
Character Concept: Earnest Suburban Alien
Character: Person Who Has Never Before Seen a Toilet and Wants to Be Assured— Unabashedly— That This Device Can Properly Handle Their Waste >> “The size of this hole.” > “That’s in there.” >> “Yes, the hole that is in this seat. What is its load capacity?” > “Whatever do you mean by that?” >> “I mean, I’m a big person. I’m not a cat or a bird. You say that my waste enters this device as I sit upon it, and then leaves somewhere.” > “Mmhmm.” >> “I have some questions about where that waste goes or is sent. But furthermore, is this hole in the seat— the second one at at the bottom of the water…” > “…Yes?” >> “Is that really large enough to handle my load?”
The Sperm Bank Retraction
> *holds sample* “It’s really cold. I didn’t think sperm could get this cold.” >> “It is cold. I’m glad you like it, sir.” > *pauses, uncertain and hesitant* “I’m amazed by how cold this is.” >> “Mmm-hmm, yes sir. It is cold." > *taps fingers on hard plastic of sample* “Are you the guys that did Jurassic Park?” >> “No, sir. None of us here did Jurassic Park.” > “I coulda sworn I saw a dinosaur at the reception desk.” >> “What do you mean by that, sir?” > “… She’s old.” >> “Ah. No, thank you, sir.” > **drums fingers on frozen sample of semen** “It’s cold! How did they do that?” >> “We use a refrigerator, sir... Would you like to proceed with the outlined terms for the release of your sample?” > “It’s real cold. It reminds me of Dip’n Dots. Have you tried Dip’n Dots?” >> “No, sir. I haven’t tried Dip’n Dots.” > “They’re a remarkable… hyper frozen treat. It’s little balls of ice cream and they’re so cold they’ve got steam coming off ‘em.” >> “Yes, sir.” > “Astronauts eat them.” >> “Yes, sir.” > “Do you have any samples from the guys that did the moon landing?”
Mr. Hitler's Ride Through Space
Seeing Adolf Hitler labeled as ‘The Mastermind of the Holocaust’-- or something similar-- is a historically and factually inaccurate perspective on massive societal movements like the Third Reich or The War on Terror. Mr. Adolf Hitler was indeed a soldier of the region in WWI, whose hobby as a painter has been brought to clearer public knowledge than his personal beliefs. Understanding the rumor that Mr. Hitler was groomed by persons hidden to much of the world-- it is possible that his guidance to the position he attained in the Third Reich was provided by a group engaged in 'Evolutionary Experimentation', like eugenicists or even holdouts from the Holy Roman Empire. Regardless, Mr. Hitler didn't get to his position alone. Certainly Mr. Hitler worked for his position, as his manifesto Mein Kampf was laboriously crafted during his persecution prior to his rise to power and his campaign efforts in public halls in Munich and nearby regions made him a popular figure in his movement of likeminded persons. It seems unusual that the public memory that survives him is that he was ‘one of the most evil people to have ever lived’, because he was surrounded by extremely dangerous and cruel counterparts. Mr. Barack Obama, as the president of the United States of America, at one point authorized a drone strike authorizing (as the President of the USA) American soldiers to ruthlessly-- and without a personal presence nor physical acknowledgement of the region and target-- bomb an area, resulting in the deaths of children and other civilians. Mr. Obama similarly campaigned across the entire nation from Chicago all the way to the White House within a social movement that emphasized ‘HOPE’ as public propaganda. Certainly Mr. Obama did not openly share his possible specific and targeted hate for a culture co-existing in the region (Muslims & other practitioners of Islam), but he did knowingly participate as Commander in Chief in continuing the sadistic campaign against the American public by participating in The War on Terror at home and abroad. Post-Nazi art and media, from films like ‘Invasion of the Body Snatchers’ and ‘Mars Attacks’ to more fantastical embodiments of existential horror like any of Anne Rice’s novels or the Harry Potter series, dance away from describing the source of the evil. This isn't to say that the art lacks historical merit-- it's simply that the presence of this era's evil is still felt as though it were in power. There seems to be a common thread in American beliefs as to why society is plagued by these horrors that, to some, seem to have existed forever. What was prodding Mr. Adolf Hitler in the back such that he participated in efforts that led to the construction and operation of Death Camps, with his knowledge and likely authorization? Who before him was such a prolifically murderous and hateful tyrant, on a global scale? To believe and purport Mr. Adolf Hitler to be the ‘most evil person of all time’ is absurd in a cosmic perspective. This is akin to the horrific scene in ‘Mars Attacks’ in which a woman’s head is surgically attached to a small dog’s body. Who before would dare to perform such a feat? And why? There are still evil people alive today. There are still famous people active today. There are still entire galas full of evil, evil people who are not only more advanced than Mr. Hitler in their dark arts— but also more evil.