Nixon's Lament
“GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS.GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS.GOD DAMMIT CHECKERS. GOD DAMMIT, CHECKERS. GODDAMMIT, CHECKERS.” - Former US President Richard Nixon
Why I am Proud That My Spirit Animal is a Japanese Character Played by Mickey Rooney
The Japanese Mickey Rooney from ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’— the 1961 classic starring Audrey Hepburn— is a unique testament to American cinema— in that solely it is an icon of reference. Not many people remember the whole movie, and that’s fine. What I like about him, the Japanese character played by Mickey Rooney, is that he’s memorable. I don’t remember a thing about the film, apart from there being some kind of romance and struggle for independence and selfhood by a beautiful young waif who ends her personal journey at a famous store for diamonds. I like Micky Rooney’s stuff— and while his prosthetic teeth shone brighter than the diamonds at Tiffanys, they didn’t steal the show. Ms. Hepburn still had her iconic grace and poise highlighted in beautifully and simply staged shots. The Japanese Mickey Rooney was a rambunctious counter to the Anglo-American narrative that was a coming of age tale for a pretty young woman. I remember him. That’s important. It’s important to me to be remembered— so that’s why Mickey Rourke’s Japanese character Mr. Yunioshi in the 1961 classic American film ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ is my spirit animal. Thank you
Character Concept: Earnest Suburban Alien
Character: Person Who Has Never Before Seen a Toilet and Wants to Be Assured— Unabashedly— That This Device Can Properly Handle Their Waste >> “The size of this hole.” > “That’s in there.” >> “Yes, the hole that is in this seat. What is its load capacity?” > “Whatever do you mean by that?” >> “I mean, I’m a big person. I’m not a cat or a bird. You say that my waste enters this device as I sit upon it, and then leaves somewhere.” > “Mmhmm.” >> “I have some questions about where that waste goes or is sent. But furthermore, is this hole in the seat— the second one at at the bottom of the water…” > “…Yes?” >> “Is that really large enough to handle my load?”
The Sperm Bank Retraction
> *holds sample* “It’s really cold. I didn’t think sperm could get this cold.” >> “It is cold. I’m glad you like it, sir.” > *pauses, uncertain and hesitant* “I’m amazed by how cold this is.” >> “Mmm-hmm, yes sir. It is cold." > *taps fingers on hard plastic of sample* “Are you the guys that did Jurassic Park?” >> “No, sir. None of us here did Jurassic Park.” > “I coulda sworn I saw a dinosaur at the reception desk.” >> “What do you mean by that, sir?” > “… She’s old.” >> “Ah. No, thank you, sir.” > **drums fingers on frozen sample of semen** “It’s cold! How did they do that?” >> “We use a refrigerator, sir... Would you like to proceed with the outlined terms for the release of your sample?” > “It’s real cold. It reminds me of Dip’n Dots. Have you tried Dip’n Dots?” >> “No, sir. I haven’t tried Dip’n Dots.” > “They’re a remarkable… hyper frozen treat. It’s little balls of ice cream and they’re so cold they’ve got steam coming off ‘em.” >> “Yes, sir.” > “Astronauts eat them.” >> “Yes, sir.” > “Do you have any samples from the guys that did the moon landing?”